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Res Ipsa Loquitur … Part 1 The Prequel
*walks in shyly**looks up to see full class* *gasps*
*mutters silent prayer to self*
Dear lord, be my mouth to speak to these people for by myself they shall kill me. Let me not say anything stupid, let me leave this class alive. AMEN
*climbs podium in fright*
*summons courage*
*heavy sigh*
Hi everyone, haters , friends, frenimies , girls, classmates , fools , loved ones, goons , scholars , extra year brethren ,those who have refused to graduate and the like , how are ye doing ? I bring you all greetings from the gods (and Dr Otegbulu) .
Exams ? How was valuation ? How many assumptions did you make ? I’m sure some of you assumed what an acre of land is,
FOOLS !!!
but of course you were given 3 acres, isn’t that a fact ? …
*gets into nubi (babawale) swag*
How would you spend 5 years of your life studying land basically and not know what an acre is ? Simple acre o , ‘it is not a rocket science ! ! ! ‘ … Or is it ?
In this profession you need to be up to date about these kinds of things, you need to be in the know, conversion rates of land should be at your finger tips at all times, ‘scroll the internet, everything is there, what am I teaching you that is new ?’ These are the tools you need in this profession, for valuation , agency …. blah blah blah
What is all this trash I’m saying sef, I assumed what a bloody acre of land is too so to hell with all this , let me stop ranting and get this over and done with jare :p
*enters normal swag*
FACTS
-This blog is written with the INTENTION of bringing lasting change
-Aliases have been used, the real people exist.
-’Yours truly’ at all times in this blog refers to the writer.
-Characters are profiled at yours truly’s discretion.
-The ones I LOVE are the ones I HIT ON.
-This blog is completely subjective, draw your conclusions.
-This blog is purely DESCRIPTIVE and BORING,HYPERBOLES are used ! !
if you do not like any of these please stop reading NOW .
Ok, thank you, you are still reading
Are you sure about this ?
You are still reading, that’s good ! ! !
Let’s continue
Since the first day I met any of you I know I have not made any meaningful impact in your life, my sincere apologies for I should have done better, I wish this writing can be of help to you no matter how remotely. Therefore I would like for you to know who exactly I am, I know its too much to ask, I know I am that inconsequential, I am of no importance but notwithstanding I’m going to give a brief introduction of my humble self and the purpose for which this blog is written .
I am not smart and I am also not fine , I have a big head which is accentuated by an unkempt afro which has found a permanent resting place on my head, my english is poor and my funds are always dwindling (which means I can’t ‘do’ fine babes) , to wrap up the whole scenario I am a social and community cast away, I don’t have a life !
For obvious reasons my name has been withheld, I have spent the last 5 years of my educational life (*sigh* like I have another life! ! ) in the Department of Estate Management , Faculty of Environmental Sciences , University of Lagos which is a longer way of saying I’m in my final year. My matric number starts with 07 and ends with 3, you could check it out , I am no ghost.
My class is notorious for their lack of cohesion (we all caused this), people claiming to be fresh and forming for each other (apart from exam time, dem no wan fail so dem gats clinch) , this has resulted in the lack of any social aspect whatsoever, all we do is read read and read … And then fail … And then lament . Semester in semester out this has been our lot, the cycle just keeps occurring, the rat race never stops, we keep doing the same things over and over again and expect change, isn’t that one of the definitions of madness ?
Well, we are a MAD(Making A Difference) set !
Save for one or two efforts made by the boys we would have graduated in this manner, the girls don’t even care .All they know how to do is wear fine clothes and form fine girls -which they are not, quote me- and clinch to boys to teach them stuff for exams (cos the boys are only useful for their brains, NO SWAG)…. And make noise … And .. And .. And , and I should stop this (bad) attitude , I love ALL of them nonetheless (truly,madly,deeply), let’s move on with this blog please, their case is irredeemable
*heavy sigh*
Ok now to the main issue of this blog, I want to paint a mental picture of some of my class mates (6ultimately for this part, because of time and space) and see if I ( and you too) can relate them to the actual people .
#IcePrinceBars : I need me a brush, canvas and a camera .. I’m about to paint mental pictures.
I intend for these descriptions to be epic, yes epic not e-luna, e-three crowns but e-peak …yes epic.
In my gentle manly nature I would have obeyed the ‘ladies first’ rule , bt NO I can’t shenk my guys for babes mahn, I’m doing the guys first…. Agree or DIE -_-
DISCLAIMER : NOTHING HERE IS PERSONAL, DON’T TAKE IT AS SUCH.
GUYS
1 Bar-jesus (shally boy)
This dude actually looks older than he is, looking at him from afar you would be stunned I tell you, fairly good looking , rick ross like side burns *ugh*, big body (not muscle,FAT) and all . You’d think that his brain would be in correlation with his outward appearance but 5 minutes into any conversation with this guy you’d be disappointed,the dude is a child
You don’t believe me abi, ok let me narrate one of our conversations to you;
Yours Truly : yo dude, hw fa na ?
Bar jesus: I dey o, I jst comot for hostel ni, I wan go faculty go see course adviser na hin I see one babe for road. The babe just dey look me , dey look me dey look me, she no even look where she dey go , I jst taya
Yours Truly : she dey feel u na
Bar jesus : feel wetin ? Me I no send dem o, na so all of dem dey do na, dem no go let peson rest for this skul. Dem go just dey look person like say I be Jesus
Yours Truly : AH !!! Jesus ke, ogbeni keep calm .. Me I dey go house jor, dis ur shirt make sense o
Bar jesus : ahhh this shirt ehn, if you know how I get am u go pity me, na my mama help me arrange am when she travel na . She tok say she no see am for almost all the shops for uk , na one last place wey she check she con see am. And for there u no fit jst buy one shirt comot , u gats buy at least 5 others . After she con get am she no con dey come naija immediately and I need am dat week so my sister gats go meet am as she dey come back from yankee, that one just dey complain because she tok say she wan come naija quick, she don taya for there . Na so my sister con carry am come, the printing na another wahala , u sabi that my cousin na wey dey ……..
Yours Truly : ( see me see trouble o, untop one shirt? ) *walks away*
Bar jesus : wai u dey go na
Yours Truly: peson dey wait for me, no vex
And that’s how I made my great escape,
If you are not convinced yet, let’s go on.
It is only in this dudes family that u have all the super men and women that can drive their toyota avalon which has a speedometer of 450 km/h ( yes 450, its custom made dammit) , his mum is probably the best in the world (everybody’s mum is anyway) cos he can’t do 5 straight sentences without mentioning her . If your mum is dead(RIP), staying near this dude would not be good for your health, you might just commit suicide !
it is this same boys sister that all the boys are tripping for, she’s the pharmacist that earns the highest in the hospital (even though she is a temp), she’s the one that spent half the number of years to graduate from medical school , she’s the one she’s the one she’s the one , but of course she’s mama T’s daughter,what do you expect ?
It is this boys cousin that would go to a party and finish three bottles of red label – ALONE- and still drive 240miles/h from jade palace to ikeja through third mainland bridge , haba na, is he michael schumacher ? Dude please
Let me try to project into the future, you know those married men that always call their mothers when they are about to take the smallest of decisions ? How irritating they can be to their wives , I hope my friend is not ending there
Mummy should I buy huggies or pampers for our baby ?
Mummy should we use DSTV or HITV at home ?
Mummy which is better, normal rice or uncle ben’s rice ?
Mummy where should I celebrate my 50th birthday ?
Mummy mummy mummy ! ! !
Wouldn’t mummy herself get tired gann, abi would she live forever ?
Let’s not waste time on this guy abeg , can we move on please ?
Wait wait I jst remembered something, does any of you remember the feasibility and viability exam ? I was still holding my calculator when this dude submitted ,most of us were on the first question .But its not our business sha, next person please
2 The Scholar
Yes, this person is actually a scholar, the only scholar we have in our class for now .
I thought some of you would appreciate the dude, it aint easy yo, stop hating !!!
A round of applause please, keep it rolling, GOD bless you
This guy is simply a genius, an intellectual conversation with him and you’d be blown away, very vast and detailed but the thing is his scholarly traits are not what we are going to discuss here, I’d rather dwell on the character and physical appearance of his prestigious self.
If any of you ever played mario kart on SNES or N64 (pardon my illustration, I was and always would be a game freak, so help me GOD) you would be familiar with one of the animals called koopa troopa, our scholar is similar in appearance with this character. Unlike the shapely head of yours truly this guys head and the typical Lagos road have no difference, gallops everywhere in such a way that two big mounds like hellboy’s shaved horns exist on his head. He is probably 5’10″ and walks with a slight bend . Mode of dressing ? Errrrr like a scholar
Now the problem is that most peeps (guys, yours truly excluded) feel that he takes more liking to the female specie, in other words he is a sly guy , he would rather be (teach,help) with a female than a male and that doesn’t go down well with the fellas. Dude can teach like 5 girls in a row but when a humble male asks for assistance he turns mute, who does that ? YES , answer, who does that ?
Well, in my opinion ;
EVERYBODY.
The ladies have a certain controlling power over guys, you just can’t say no , its natural, you guys should take a chill pill for your headaches abeg
Another problem is this, have you ever lent this person anything before ? A general class poll conducted by yours truly signifies that before you can retrieve your goods back it takes an average of about 8 days if you request persistently, 14 if you ask casually and never if you don’t ask at all, whatever you lent him is gone for life, just go and get a new one . On the flipside its difficult to get stuff from him -according to the poll.
Is this how scholars are ? I’d say YES, they are ‘myself’ freaks.
And for the last issue , this dude is not usually willing to share materials , he ‘hoards’ them (except of course to ladies) and once again this doesn’t sit well with the dudes. I have no issue with the compliants but all I’m thinking is that if he hoards his, why don’t yall go on and get yours ?
Abi is it that hard ?
You don’t expect him to go through all the stress of gathering materials and then come and give them to you on a platter, are you the one paying his school fees ? Did you write JAMB together ? Abeg shift jor
Asides all these misgivings I’d say he is a nice guy, complete gentleman, HEADED for the top , god speed bro ! ! !
3. The Scholar ….. Wannabe
Sometime ago I had the opinion that this person had traces of mental imbalance in his system which was most likely induced by the intake of too much books. I knew he was not perfectly ok . My doubts were confirmed when ‘HRH Noreos’ made an audacious statement about him and I quote verbatim
‘the guy is not a such a bright chap, he just has a thirst for knowledge ….. E go dey do like peson wey get touch for head’ .
After I heard this statement I paid particular attention to him, let me relay my findings;
He is usually excited about particular topics in class you’d think he had just been told of some huge amount of money mysteriously waiting for him under his bed, he always attempts to answer questions asked in class even though he gets 85% of them wrong , he always has some inner energy whenever books are concerned that one would believe he was on nothing less than a 4.5 CGPA, pity that is not the case .
My worries were heightened when I met this guy one evening somewhere in class, the rope of a teabag was hanging out of the breast pocket of the ragged shirt he was wearing, I could also make out the shape of cubes of sugar in the same pocket,about 3 of them.
In the back pocket of the jeans (equally tattered) I could see the tip of a sachet of milk – cowbell to be precise, I couldn’t miss the shiny blue wrapper – hanging out . In his hands were a pile of books I’m sure professor iyagba could not read in one session and of course a mug, he couldn’t even greet me so we just said a hasty hi and I left. Going out I tried to picture the situation again, where did he keep the spoon ? Water ? How would he get it boiled ?
My conclusion: my friend is going bonkers
The next morning he was late for class , dressed in the same ragged undersized shirt of the previous night, shorts that were probably given to him by a disgruntled uncle held up by a kind of rope which I cannot describe now and white trainers that had seen better days. He was in his traditional glasses and his hair was not combed, the lecturer (Dr Babade) let him in most likely out of pity . I was beginning to wonder if this dude was really getting mad until I heard a little more about him
He is the last child of his aged parents and all his other siblings are married so he has the duty of taking care of both of them, asides his BSc he is taking other professional courses (DUDE, you want to run mad ?) and therefore doesn’t have time for himself. Next time you see him, pray for him.
DON’T JUDGE ! ! !
PS word on the street has it that he added valuation for compensation in his assignment to Dr babawale , he wants to get 10/10, he must graduate as a scholar
On a lighter note let’s move on to the girls , this should be tough
*class starts to mumble*
*chaos ensues*
What is the problem please, anyone ? Can I have maximum silence ?
Anonymous: your work lacks creativity, its a poor blend of ‘mockery and misconception’ , you are twisting the facts and you are a very poor writer. Besides you writing is very boring, I slept half the time
*heavy sigh*
I’m sorry for providing such a useless piece of writing, I know I am not blessed with the gift so I would just stop now. I might come back later if I can muster the courage to do so, but nonetheless thanks for reading
*class boos*
*mutters silent prayer to self*
Dear lord, thanks for I was only booed and not stoned to death, all glory and honor be to your holy name, AMEN !
*steps down podium in disappointment*
*walks out ashamed*
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